Not only is this perfect editorial of Dad Pitt full of really great Brad puns (BORN TO BE BRAD! BRAD ROMANCE!) but it’s also fucking fantastic! Look at that hair! I want to run my fingers through it while the Bradster and I listen to Angie practice her Oscar acceptance speech. Look at that mouth! I want to shove my whole hand in it to show him how much I care! Is it even legal for two people with such perfect lips to couple? DID MR AND MRS SMITH-JOLIE-PITT BREAK A LAW WITH THEIR SENSUAL MOUTHS? Those aviators make me want to watch Top Gun and Interview with the Vampire at the same time while doing a spell. The topless pictures make me want to go back in time to when my cousin showed me her Mom’s hidden issues of Playgirl & I exclaimed, “DISGUSTING! I’M GOING HOME TO LOOK AT MY DAD’S PLAYBOYS!” and apologize to all the men that inspired Brad to look this 1970s sensitive yet sinister chic. Also, TELL US ABOUT YOUR TATTOOS BRAD!
Oh man. I love Michaels. I used to obsess over the fact that all the male leads on Boardwalk Empire other than Steve Buscemi were named Michael, each scrumptious in their own way: giant Frankenstein (FUCKENSTEIN?) man beast Michael Shannon; eternally smoking pillow lipped petulant beauty Michael Pitt; force of nature Michael K Williams; and underrated, but just absolutely delightfully full of intrigue and depth Michael Stuhlbarg. MICHAELS! After Boardwalk Empire systematically removed all the Michaels from my world, I was bereft, lost in a Michael-free sea. But this Holiday Award Season has been good to me, in terms of Michaels! Michael Shannon graces us with his presence in a supporting role in this month’s Freeheld, and Celebrated Penis Haver Michael Fassbender shows us the outline of Known Penis in Macbeth. I don’t know if he shows it in Jobs. I’m not watching that movie. Here are two just absolutely delightful shoots of each Michael: Fassy by Bruce Weber. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M THE LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE! And Michael Shannon by David Cronenberg’s fantastically talented daughter Caitlin. Oh! I AM the luckiest girl alive! An heir to creepydom shoots M.Shan & known-beautiful-man photographer shoots Fassy. Bless these Holy Michaels and keep them safe, oh Lord of Sex.
Michael Fassbender by Bruce Weber for T Magazine, September 2015
Michael Shannon by Caitlin Cronenberg for Man of the World, Fall 2015
Oh man, I love this dapper little guy. He’s so totally not the type of filth monster that usually whispers, in a cloud of vape smoke, a husky, “Hey gurl” to my vagina. You know, if I’m really thinking about it, JGL and my vagina don’t talk a lot, BUT! I still adore him! Is it because Tom Hardy called him darling one time? Probably! Is it because he’s really confident and wears a suit well? Sure! Is it because TOM HARDY CALLED HIM DARLING ONE TIME? I dunno, maybe! But whatever the reason TOM HARDY CALLED HIM DARLING, I just adore him. JGL is currently starring in the biopic The Walk, based on the tight-rope walker Philippe Petit, who illegally performed his tight-rope walk between New York City’s Twin Towers in 1974. The movie is receiving well reviews, but I thought the trailer looked terrible. JGL’s French accent was just awful, and I’m not sure why there’s a biopic version of this story when there’s a thrilling documentary Man on Wire from 2008 that tells the same story. But let’s support JGL you guys, let’s love him unconditionally. He’s a darling, after all.
What am I even supposed to do with this? Am I supposed to just continue walking around, living my life, interacting with other humans, eating hummus, petting cats, listening to Lana Del Rey, just existing, while beauty like this is out there, walking around also petting cats & listening to Lana, I imagine? No! I cannot! I must take periodic breaks, lie perfectly still, and offer thanks to whatever divine manifestation of God created this perfect creature, because it certainly wasn’t the same collection of random events that created me. No. This is a face with purpose. This is true beauty. That stupid gorgeous face has MEANING.
Also I like to imagine Tom Ford’s reaction to these photos. Like maybe he was having dinner at Lagerfeld’s, scrolling through Tumblr over dinner and just straight up dropped Choupette (who likes to coil around Tom’s shoulders when they sup together), knocked over all the goblets on the table, removed all his clothing, curled up in a ball and wept. Which is what I’m off to do now.
BIG BEEFY BEEF MAN WITH A SWEET FACE AND CHEEKBONES THAT YOU CAN USE TO CUT EXOTIC FRUIT INTO THIN SLICES THAT YOU FEED TO BIG BEEFY BEEF SWEET FACED MAN!
I really hated Man of Steel. Yes it stars two of my favourite men with bands & Oscar wins/nods & cult followings (my love for them IS a cult following)- Michael Shannon & Russell Crowe. And yes I think Cavill was beautifully cast as the Man, even though he’s *gasp* British & I thought there was a blood oath that only Apple Pie men could play Superman & only British men could play Bond. But whatever, I don’t care. Cavill looks great in that supersuit & he’s a fantastic actor & sure he didn’t really pull of Clark because that man couldn’t bumble if he tried, but my point is: A+ casting, D+ movie. I have no interest in the next Super/Bat movie, and not a lot of interest in the movie he’s currently promoting: a remake of the 1960s series The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (though it looks pretty slashy, please report to LesBeehive HQ if I am correct). I really only know Cavill from The Tudors, which he was excellent in from start to finish. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, however, took his portrayal of Henry VIII from troubled & cruel to ridiculously campy. It’s kind of worth watching the final season just to giggle at Henry (VIII, not Cavill). Still! Beefy men are fun to look at, and Cavill has biceps that should be studied and sketched and sculpted.