How am I supposed to talk about these pictures when ALL I CAN DO IS WEEP? Look at how he looks at her! Look at how she looks at him looking at her! You know what would be fun? If I wasn’t 37 and didn’t have to go buy lentils and a bag of potatoes and figure out why my phone won’t hold a charge and could just spend the day looking up song lyrics that I think accurately describe Brad and Angie (BFFS 4EVA). They’re so in love. They’re so compatible. They’re so complementary. They’re so ridiculously attractive. Just a few more days until By the Sea is released, my loves! It’s not getting great early reviews. I CARE NOT! No derp it’s a vanity project that’s about super rich beautiful people struggling in various destination locations. It’s going to look gorgeous, and don’t we all deserve to look at something gorgeous? Don’t we all need a break from lentil shopping to watch two sets of perfect pillow lips speak beautiful words and the rest of the bodies attached to the perfect pillow lips cry and fuck and wear big sunglasses and smoke and throw things? YES WE DO! So look at these pictures, go see the movie, think about the Smith-Jolie-Pitts while you listen to love songs. Make a compilation album! Press it to vinyl! Hire a music legend (KENNY ROGERS????) and a TV personality (A FORMER HOST OF THE SOUP????) to stand together and speak rapturously about the songs and explain why they’re important to the Brad/Angie love story. Hire day-player actors to clink wine glasses in front of a crackling fire with a TV mounted above the fireplace playing Jolie-Pitt movies on a loop while each song title scrolls past them while they make fuck faces at each other. I have to go! I need to pitch something to Time Life! And buy lentils!
Not only is this perfect editorial of Dad Pitt full of really great Brad puns (BORN TO BE BRAD! BRAD ROMANCE!) but it’s also fucking fantastic! Look at that hair! I want to run my fingers through it while the Bradster and I listen to Angie practice her Oscar acceptance speech. Look at that mouth! I want to shove my whole hand in it to show him how much I care! Is it even legal for two people with such perfect lips to couple? DID MR AND MRS SMITH-JOLIE-PITT BREAK A LAW WITH THEIR SENSUAL MOUTHS? Those aviators make me want to watch Top Gun and Interview with the Vampire at the same time while doing a spell. The topless pictures make me want to go back in time to when my cousin showed me her Mom’s hidden issues of Playgirl & I exclaimed, “DISGUSTING! I’M GOING HOME TO LOOK AT MY DAD’S PLAYBOYS!” and apologize to all the men that inspired Brad to look this 1970s sensitive yet sinister chic. Also, TELL US ABOUT YOUR TATTOOS BRAD!
I love this family so much. AMERICAN ROYALTY! PRESS THEIR VISAGE ON COINS! Angelina Jolie’s adaptation of my fever dream – By the Sea comes out this November, and she’s featured as the perfectly Jolie’rific cover-star of the latest issue of Vogue. Inside though! INSIDE YOU GUYS! Angelina frolics about with her big, beautiful family, and it’s so outstandingly entertaining that I’ve continuously wept since I first saw the pictures. Annie Leibovitz has been photographing this family since it was just Angie (she insists I call her Angie) & Maddox, so the comfortable familiarity is present in every shot. Plus that entire family is the personification of Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent. It’s so lovely seeing children who are celebrated and adored and encouraged to be their own person. The Jolie-Pitt family is one of the 239043 reasons I don’t want to have kids. They did it! No need for me to bother! I’ll just frame their family photos and focus on the upkeep of my hair and cats. Thanks Jolie-Pitts! Love u!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Award season! Let’s pretend Eddie Redmayne isn’t an Oscar winning actor who keeps getting roles he doesn’t deserve, focus solely on Fassy in Macbeth, and remember, always, eternally, that Sean Penn is still illegally in possession of Mickey Rourke’s Oscar. Hold on, here we go!
Here are my Most Anticipated Movies of the season (so far). Each movie is listed in roughly its release date order. Click the title links to watch trailers, find accurate release dates, and read descriptions and reviews. I will add to this post as more films come to my attention.
Starring an impressive cast (though only Sean Bean made Su & I gasp, because we’re NERRRRDS), this movie is the Gravity that I deserve! I hated Gravity. One time, while not sober, I watched Gravity & took notes about why I was hating it. Then I forgot & found the notes like, a year later, and they made TOTAL SENSE. I also love Ridley Scott, despite his misses, his hits still keep him close to my heart. My love for Gladiator alone makes my heart soar every time I see his name. Anyway, the movie is being well reviewed, and, based on the trailer, The Talented Mister Damon has upped his charm-meter to maximum, so YOU WILL BE ENTERTAINED. The Martian is out now. Go see it. Treat yourself!
Starring Julianne Moore and Ellen Page in a based-on-a-true story heartbreaking romance with co-stars Michael Shannon and Steve Carell, this movie is going to break all our hearts, and make up for us having to sit through Still Alice last year just because we needed to see Julianne perform. No one should have to suffer such a dull, uninspired movie, not even for Julianne. I believe this year we’ll get the Julianne we love, along with a truly well-told story.
I don’t know if this movie is going to be good, but I do know it’s going to look gholish and gorgeous, and most likely be nominated for many technical awards. From Guillermo del Toro and starring Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chastain (who I seem to often get into rousing debates with people defending, they’re both great) and Tom Hiddleston, who I used to not like, but now I’m kinda into (still most times I see him I think, “Oh dear, Fassy looks terrible.”), the classic ghost story looks not especially scary, but most definitely beautiful and the performances will be understated and entertaining. If it’s reviewed well I think it will make for a perfect spooky date movie this Halloween season.
Based on the enthralling novel by Emma Donoghue (who also wrote the film’s screenplay), Room stars Brie Larson, Joan Allen, William H Macy, and Jacob Tremblay. The story is told from the 5 year old boy’s point of view as he’s held in captivity with only his young mother for 5 years, then escapes and acclimates to the world outside the room they were trapped inside. It’s an ambitious adaptation and, based on early reviews, sounds like it’s paying off. I’m very excited to weep.
I’ll watch Saoirse Ronan in anything. I watched The Lovely Bones for chrissake. I’m one of only 14 people who watched (and loved) Hanna. This movie probably would have went under my radar, but it popped up and now I’m smitten and want to watch it and swoon at its retro period romance beauty. Plus the screenplay was written by Nick Hornby. That guy’s great!
By the Sea
It was nice of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to let us in on their role play. This film, written and directed by, as well as starring the fiercest of evil queens/earth mothers Angelina Jolie alongside her life partner, soul mate, and beauty match Brad Pitt. This harrowing story of broken marriage, sadness, really beautiful locations, dangerous glares, plump lips, beautifully executed dialogue, and sex dreams is a beautiful gift. It feels like a fever dream, and I’m not sure I’ll believe it’s real until after I’ve seen it 6 times. In 2005 Brad and Angelina starred in a now iconic story for W magazine by Steven Klein. I feel like this movie is that shoot come to life, only without kids. Yay! Without kids! GIMME!
So in this porn/film Tom Hardy plays identical twin gangsters Reggie and Ronnie Kray, one of whom is a bespectacled bisexual and THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW GO SEE THIS MOVIE IMMEDIATELY. IT DOESN’T COME OUT UNTIL THE END OF NOVEMBER. GO WAIT IN LINE.
Todd Haynes is going to BREAK YOUR GAY HEART while you watch this stylish adaptation of the gorgeous Patricia Highsmith novel “The Price of Salt”. Starring Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara in yet another heartbreaking romance, it’s going to be too much. We will, as a collective, weep, and works of art that have been decaying with time will magically return to their original splendour. Truly great things will happen because of this movie. I’m crying just thinking about it.
One of my favourite films of 2009 was the odd and disturbingly beautiful Dogtooth. Years later and it still comes back to visit me from time to time. Director Yorgos Lanthimos and writer Efthymis Filippou return this year with The Lobster, starring Colin Farrell, Rachel Weisz, John C Reilly, and just for sex appeal (I’M NOT JOKING) Ben Whishaw. Jesus fuck I love Ben Whishaw. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. The Lobster’s definition on IMDb is succinct and accurate and I love anything that starts with “In a dystopian near future…” so here it is:
In a dystopian near future, single people, according to the laws of The City, are taken to The Hotel, where they are obliged to find a romantic partner in forty-five days or are transformed into beasts and sent off into The Woods.
Farrell plays the lead who, if fails at finding love, chooses to become a lobster. His dog/failure at love brother accompanies him, and he and Rachel Weisz cross paths and have the best dystopian near-future meet-cute. I think I’m going to love it, but will I love it more than Dogtooth? Stay tuned to find out!
I’m not smart enough to comment on a Shakespeare adaptation. I tried to get Ian McKellen or Patrick Stewart to write a blurb for this post, but they kept insisting on writing about Carol instead and I was like, “I’ve got Carol covered, please talk about Fassy and Macbeth!” but they refused, so here I am, making up stories again. I’m wary of Shakespeare adaptations, but excited enough by Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard and the thrilling trailer to put some hope in this being a beautiful work of art. Regardless, it’ll remind us that Fassy is an evil sexy iambic pentameter speaking fuck shark after suffering through that Steve Jobs biopic that I AM NOT WATCHING YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.
Will this movie, starring should-be couple Tina Fey and Amy Poehler win any Oscars? Nah. Will it be nominated for Golden Globes? Probably! An important note: in addition to the hilarious co-stars, the movie was written by the equally hilarious Paula Pell, who is responsible for pretty much anything funny you ever saw on SNL between 1999-2014. She’s a gift. Honour her!
This movie stars eternal Oscar hopeful Leonardo DiCaprio as the grizzly good guy and Tom Hardy (WHAT!) as the grizzly bad guy. It also stars a grizzly bear. And it looks SEXY AS FUCK. I would exclaim my usual GIVE LEO HIS OSCAR, but that’s not going to happen. Let’s just accept this terrible fact and enjoy ourselves when we’re given a scrumptious Leo treat, especially if one of the layers of that treat is a delectable Tom Hardy surprise. GRIZZLY KISS HIM!
The Hateful 8
And finally, on Christmas day, Santa Tarantino gives us the greatest gift of all – his newest film, starring (among many amazing others), two of my favourite fantasies – Walton Goggins and Channing Tatum. I think ChanChan just has a small part, but I don’t care! C-TATES! Walton Goggins is a gift that we should all be lighting candles to and thanking the gods for, so get with the picture people and watch the entire series of Justified while you wait for this movie’s release. That show is like a modern day cowboy outlaw porn, it’s honestly just too many wonderful things. What was I even talking about? Oh! Papa Tarantino! The Hateful 8 looks every bit as perfect and entertaining as his most recent films Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained. I’ve kinda gotten to a place with Tarantino where I feel he can do no wrong. Every movie he makes is a delight. Yes, some are better than others, but all are wonderful. This summer I rewatched Death Proof, which he admits is his worst movie, twice in two weeks and I was enthralled both times. If a movie that awesome is the worst you’ve ever made, you’re a special talent. I’m so excited to spend the day of Christ’s birth with my favourite foot fetishist.